I don’t feel very alive at this moment. Maybe it’s that I’ve been living so alive, so fully, at such high intensity, that I’ve temporarily run out of pizzaz. Only for a second though. Liken me to an iPhone, and I’m at about 5% right now. All the apps are draining my battery.
The apps include lots of travel, little sleep, work trips, fun trips, put your best foot forward trips. The days are full. I have more than enough to be excited about, and that is wonderful. I feel mediocre at all of it though. My busy life causes me to fumble. I’ve fallen into fatigue. It just seems impossible to do everything that I want to do, and if I want to do it all RIGHT NOW, yes. Yes, it is impossible. I need to give myself a break, permission to fail, acceptance that being human means I might not have predictability, I may not be able to pursue a relationship at the minute, or cross everything off of my to do list.
Flight Lessons are part of the list
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As I gain years, I’m learning that not finishing the list is ok. The To-Do list will get done, and life will go on whether list done, or not. Life surprises, and I feel so alive, like all in. I am really living. Every second. This doesn’t mean that I love every experience, but there is a twinkle, and sparkle, and hopeful optimism I internally have for each day. I do hope to slow the speed of my life down a bit so that I can remember the whirlwind, but I’m more than surviving. I know what barely surviving looks like. I know what running, literally, stumbling, falling, pleading in the darkness with God, because I had no desire to be anymore. I didn’t want the life that I had, because it wasn’t alive. I was breathing, but dead. I had almost given up. I say almost, because I remember somewhere clinging to the hope, and the cry of “Don’t leave me here.”
And the path I have traveled has taken me so far from that “here.”
The life that amazes.
I can’t even begin to convey how thankful I am. In five years, in even one year, I have seen a progress, and growth within myself that I am fascinated by. I have never been so much myself; so authentic, bubbly, and transformed. I am also so confused at where this girl came from, how she appeared, and baffled at who picked me to be her. I am told so often that I live a charmed life, that I am lucky, and maybe even envied for what I get to do for my job. For what is splattered all over instagram. Honestly, yes, I probably question more than anyone, how, and when, and why this life happened to me. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed, in despondency, desperation, and anger for my life to change.
And it didn’t right away, or even close to instantly, but it did change.
Adventures in Thailand
While sitting at the deck in my kitchen last night, Dorie, and I recapped our day, our friendship, marveling at the past, and questioning the future. I conveyed that the day had been a monumental benchmark for me. I told her that I wished so badly that she had known me five years earlier. I had handled the day with a poise that I didn’t know I had, found enjoyment that overshadowed any nerves, and maintained a presence that held the attention of those around. I realized that the travel that I have fallen in love with, and the challenges thrown into my schedule, have worked together over time to make me ready for the opportunities in my life that now present themselves.
I wouldn’t be ready for what is now, if what happened then was not.
Everything works together
It doesn’t matter if I feel like it was a mistake, or I regret the then, or wish I could go back and erase it all. It was, and it has influenced how I am in the present, and although not content to stay, I am happy to be me.
This blog has been a gift to me, even though I write the content. Readers send emails telling me that I have in some way inspired, or influenced them. This touches me. I have found, somewhat haphazardly, a purpose in my life through writing, and flying, and the multifaceted interests that I have. I told Dorie this yesterday that: “You can be alive, and be dead. Or, you can be alive, and be alive.”
Live alive. Live thankful. Live hopeful.
If you aren’t there yet, just keep saying in that darkness, “Don’t Leave Me Here.”
You will find your answer.
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