I lay on the half circle box, my side folding over the foam. A�My face translated the burning felt by working muscles. A�I exhaled in an attempt to minimize the discomfort, gritted my teeth, and thought, “It’s ok. A�I know when this will end. Only. [Breath]. Four more. [Breath]. A�Leg. [Breath]. A�Circles.” A�Done. Sigh. Ouch.
I love Pilates, weight lifting, and my bike rides, but to say the classes, or the workouts, or the hill climbs are easy, would be grossly inaccurate. A�It’s not ever easy, and on the days that it is, I know that I am not contributing my best. A�On the days that I think it should be easy, because I am getting stronger, resistance is added. A�It’s hard work, but manageable. A�Maybe not so manageable in the moment, but I understand when the hardest parts will end, and because of that, I find the energy to handle it.
This understanding needs to translate into other parts of my life, particularly that of the lifestyle of a flight attendant. A� I am currently experiencing the discomforts that are attached to the job. A�My relationships are suffering. A�My finances are suffering. A�My home life is suffering (today I move to nowhere again). A�I am so challenged to see that all of this will be ok. A�That there will be an end to it. A�I can’t see that. A�I see my sadness. A�I see what I am losing. A�I see myself doing exactly what I did five years ago, four years ago, three years ago, two years ago, but I’m not twenty-three anymore. A�This life is exactly the life that I choose, exactly the life that I love, exactly the life that I find myself feeling so much resentment towards at times. A�At this time. A�I can’t envision what it would be like to own a home, and be in that home for more than a week out of a month. A�It seems like a concept from Mars. A�The idea of coming home to a boyfriend every single day is…what is that? A�And a pocket puppy. A�I’ve wanted one of those before.
what I know- suitcases
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I can’t deny the fact that I struggle with this lifestyle- loving it and hating it. A�On days like today, I have to hold on to a lot of trust, and choose to focus on the many wonderful aspects of this gypsy life. A�I have to hang on to more belief than I actually have. A�Belief that I am strong enough to work through and get past the hardest parts. A�That there are only a few more reps, and then a rest. A�That I have almost cycled to the highest point of this hill. A�That I will feel so great when I look back to see what it is that has been accomplished.
I have to have the wisdom to know that I will look back at these times in my life and think, “That was amazing. A�That was the best time of my life.” A�I am not complaining about this life that I have been gifted. A� I am more than privileged. A�I am more than lucky. A�But, I am human. A�This [flight attendant] life knocks me on my ass sometimes. A�And sometimes, the only response I have is to grit my teeth, and breath. A�I’ll simply relate it to pilates- in one hour, I will walk out the door feeling taller, stronger, and more optimistic about the day.
I’m just hoping I see that door, or a light, or find a lightbulb soon. A�Maybe it will happen on my eight day trip that I start tonight. A�Maybe it will happen when I see Bergen for the first time. A�I’ve been wanting to visit that place for awhile…