I wish I knew when I would see you again.
Do I matter to you? I think so, but I can’t tell with flight attendant life. Every moment feels so precious and so fleeting, because we move so fast. I’m not speaking about the rate that physical intimacy can travel at, but I’m referencing movement. That thing that we both love and hate about our airline lifestyle— being always in motion. We are the kings and queens of one-night stand-ups (ask regional FAs about this term); flip-flopping so quickly from city to city that we become out of sorts when our suitcase stays in the same place for more than four days. So we move fast. We fall fast, fly fast,
and forget fast.
But, I don’t forget actually. I always remember that I could be missing out on the best, because I can’t take time to be still for something wonderful to happen. Wonderful can take time, but that’s not what we have. We have incredible stories, fairytale moments, and a magic brought to us by our jobs— jobs that we have a hard time saying goodbye to.
Now, you’re flying away. Soon, I’ll be flying away too. Different destinations; different directions. Why is it so difficult to fly in the same direction, at the same time? Is this just one of those things; two individuals attracted to each other, who might have liked to date if they both happened to actually be around each other more than once every six months. There are local relationships, long distance relationships, and mail-order relationships. And then there is ‘flight attendant life;’ an entirely new style of relationship-game that I don’t believe I will ever beat.
How can you win when there is never enough time to get to know all sides of a person? When the version of me you get is so utterly jet-lagged and sick— that you’re grasping at the crumbs of my soul that are left over after 10hr flights, 350 passengers, and 15 crew members. Or there’s that girl’s opposite; the perfect, bubbly, blonde, who laughs, giggles, and is sweet like syrup. You can never have it all;
never all at once.
It doesn’t feel like time is on my side or ours. I want to tell you that I don’t consider this a fling, but I’m not sure if this thing can even be categorized as a fling. Maybe it’s just two people—who happen to be in the same place at the same time and understand an industry— conversing and kissing under the moonlight. And actually,
There are many beautiful moments that I’ve wished that I could have held on to, or men that I hoped I could date, or that I hoped who would want to date me. But, I can’t seem to figure out how to make anything meaningful stay. And, don’t get me wrong, I find much meaning in my life and friendships, but it often feels like I don’t have a take-away. I have countries visited banked and lots of pretty Instagrams in the bag, but I don’t have you.
I don’t have a you.
I cannot manufacture time, love, or stability. Actually, I take that back. Maybe I could create that for my life if I adjusted my priorities. I probably, absolutely could find a least a little more of one of those if I changed what I deemed as most important. But, change is so scary. That’s one of the reasons I still haven’t quit my International Airline. I find it ironic that the entity gifting me the most instability, simultaneously grants me the most stability. Weird how this flight attendant life is.
weird, wild, and wonderful
I find myself vacillating between what has made me happy for the past seven years and what could make me happy for the next seven. I don’t believe those items, careers, people, jobs, etc. are the same now as they once were,
because everything is always changing
I know better than to create expectations that I cannot control. I’ve done that a lot. Practically always. I know so much better than to convince myself, or you, that reality will have no power upon us. That we will not drift apart and flights will not have us crossing oceans in opposite unison. And there may be someone else. For you or me. Tomorrow will most likely be a near miss, but yesterday brought the most unlikely magic,
and that makes me happy.
I hope you are hoping for the same as I. I want you to be hoping to see me again, because I’m hoping to see you again. Soon. I hope that our schedules will align, and you will hold me in your arms on the balcony, caressing my face with care; like we had all the time in the world.
all the time in the world…
But who knows, as your watch says London; mine says Los Angeles. We aren’t even on the same time. We can do our best to make the best of both worlds…right?