I haven’t figured out a concise and relatable way to explain the weird oddities that come along with working for a European airline. Flight benefits? No, we don’t have those. Bidding? Non-existent. Reserve? The code is APS, MIS, and SBX, among maybe other things. They don’t mean the same, as one code requires airport readiness and the others are two-hour ready to fly deal. Most of the time, I think, “What the hell does that mean?” I’m confused. Almost two years in to this particular airline lifestyle, I still don’t understand my roster. And yes, it’s called a roster and not a ‘line.’ Most of the time, I’m just confused in general. Either thanks to jet lag, passenger stupidity, or why I keep this gig going when the pay is not great, the scheduling more than ridiculous, and I live in the zone of over consumption—consumed by cabin crew life.
None of it makes sense and the most frustrating part for me personally is that you can’t count on me being somewhere. Or, if I know that I will be somewhere, I probably won’t tell you until I land there. I don’t want to let you down. I don’t know where I am going or what I am doing. I haven’t been home to LA in what feels like ages. Sybil, my “second Mom,” sent me a text this week. “Honey, I miss you.” it said. “When are you coming home?”
Is this my dream? To live tired, exhausted, and alone? Blogging day-in and day-out about the life that I can’t decide if I love or hate? “Seriously Kara,” I say to myself. “Love it or hate it, but stop waffling and swinging so extremely from one to the other.” But I can’t. I’ve never been mellow or even-keel. Not like my big brother. I’ve always been passionate, animated, and curious, partly why I’m actually good at this job.
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I was telling someone last night that I’m probably the perfect girl to handle the lifestyle. If anyone can roll with living bi-coastally, constant airplanes, solo adventures, and suitcase life, it’s me. It’s so me. I actually prayed for this once. Not specifically, because truly, I had no idea this crazy, beautiful, odd, flight attendant/blogging life was a way that someone could live—a way that I could live. At the time, I yelled at God, “Why me?!” and now, I question God in wonder, “Why have you been SO good to me?”
That one time I once yelled at God, I told him, “How dare you leave me here! I have no purpose and nothing that I want to live for.” I told Him that I didn’t want to be here. I told Him so many things about hating my life and hating myself, and you know what He did? Nothing. Not that day He didn’t. He was silent. But, what I didn’t understand at the time, is that He was silently working over time to give me a better story. He was working for my freedom, dreaming for my future, and creating in me something new. He lovingly works to create your story. Every single day. Every single hour. Every single minute.
When I fight against every way that my life currently is, I think about this life that was given to me to replace what had died in my spirit. I think about how He kept his promise to me that, “My light will break forth like the dawn and my healing would appear” (Paraphrase of Isaiah 58). I think about how the flowers look beautiful and the sunrises look bright, and somehow, I know above the grey, grey clouds, that the sunshine is warm and bright. I know that through my tears, frustrations, and roster changes, that somehow, in His silence his working for my good. He is always working for my good. He is always working for your good. The Universe, and its Creator is for me.
“And we know that all things work together for good.” -Romans 8:28