I didn’t need Bali or Thailand or Australia this week. I didn’t need more hours on airplanes, flying standby, or waiting in airports. I didn’t need nights going out, or added disruptions to my sleeping schedule (a schedule that in reality doesn’t exist). I didn’t need any more sugar, coffee, caffeine, or chocolate. I was spinning, and I’m not referencing the class.
I have been spinning- working two jobs, three blogs, one book, flight lessons, and throw in an attempt at a social life. Dizzy. I practically live bi-coastal, bouncing between Ft. Lauderdale, and Los Angeles, as quickly as a quick, five and a half hour flight can land me. When asked where I live, I still don’t know what to say, because I don’t feel like I am anywhere.
And then I had days off, fourteen of them. I had free time. I have free time. Quitting jobs does that. Quitting both of them does that. One came with the other, so it was simple. A simultaneous, see-you-later. But strangely, I have been struggling with productivity, managing emotions of loss, stress, and uncertainty. Or maybe this struggling would be expected considering. I walk around my parent’s house aimlessly. I go to bed at 3p, and don’t wake up till 7a. I’m not depressed. I feel like I’m in a bit of a dream though. I drink juice, and then take a nap. I go to the gym. I try to sit down and write, but then all I can think about is, “Woah. I’m jobless at the moment,” a thought that leaves me feeling terrified.
Carefree in Spain
I had said, “If you need me, I’ll be in Bali.” But, as I mentioned I didn’t need Bali. I wanted Bali. I wanted to go to have that feeling you get when you’ve never been somewhere before, and you see that sunset, or sunrise happening. You hear new sounds, and taste new food, and you speechlessly wonder how you ever got here, and you question who has been allowing you to live this life. I love that feeling. I live for that feeling.
Sun setting over San Diego
But those fifteen, to seventeen hour flights, make you wonder why you ever thought travel was a good idea.
The gypsy girl is constantly looking for excitement. That girl doesn’t sit still well. If I keep myself busy- always, I never really have to feel what I could be missing. But, unfortunately this whirlwind coping mechanism includes consequences. What I miss is that intuitive sense of knowing what I need. Often, I feel the pressure to be in continuous motion, because I am The Flight Attendant Life. I am this intangible, unobtainable, superhuman entity, that is for everyone, what a lifestyle is for an individual. I feel a need to maintain an interesting instagram, to be this insanely amazing woman- perfect, poised, and popular. She must be successful. She must be incredible. She must rise above a gender. She must go without stopping.
I often think, when faced with decisions, and because my life is so intertwined with this site, what is first good for the brand, better for the wallet, or simply meeting the should be’s, and supposed to’s. Taking these aspects into consideration is relevant, and intelligent, but what cannot be neglected is the question of, “What is good for me?” And often, I do neglect that. Because it can be hard to admit what I need, or that I need, especially when those needs are rest, love, or consistency.
I know that I am not The Flight Attendant Life, I just happened to have had the divine luck to have created it. I am not my flight attendant uniform, my accomplishments, or my failures. I am not my size, or my pretty face. When I let all of these things go, the things that I do, what I represent, and how people define me, I create the space to discover that which I know I need. By knowing what you need, you move towards the fulfilled, and whole individual that you were always created to be.
In what direction are you moving?
What I needed instead of Bali, what I needed instead of an extreme of travel, was the simple comforts of time on the farm, enjoying moments with my best friend in Northern California, and a reset to a healthy living. In just a short three days, I feel energized thanks to filling my body with healthy nutrients in a juice cleanse experiment, loving my body through exercise, and sleep, and letting myself, although I do not enjoy it, reflect, and think about the job that I am stepping out of, and the opportunities that I am stepping into.
Finding the laughter I need
I am thankful for the woman that I am now, as opposed to the girl that I was five years ago, a girl that would have crumbled in the upcoming uncertainty, who would have broken beneath the pressure. I would have only attempted to meet perceived outside expectations of who I thought everyone else expected me to be. That girl would have never even thought to evaluate that there is a difference between what she needs, and what everyone else thinks she needs.