Beep, Beeeep, BEEP, BEEEEEP!!!!

You roll over. 2:30 in the morning?A� “Noooo,” you groan.A� This must be some cruel joke that airlines like to play on their passengers, schedulingA�o’dark thirty departures.

By four, you are in line, waiting to check in.A� Then waiting for security. Then waiting for boarding.A� It’s the game of hurry up and wait.A� And that was the very easy, breezy, beautiful departure.A� But when does that ever happen?

No, this sounds more realistic:

The kids are screaming, you forgot your passport after you drove 10 miles down the road, and had to turn around to retrieve your meal ticket.A� Cutting it close on time, you attempt to rush through security.A� With kids, and bottles, and bags, and backpacks, and iPads, and…whew!A� The choreographed chaos, oh it scares me! Avoid at all costs.

And then, I wonder why, when passengers board my flight, they are rude, unresponsive, bug-eyed and albino white, or immediately have to use the lav.A� Really?!A�You know, by the way, the airport installs neat little private areas called ‘Restrooms’.A� Maybe you’ve heard of them?

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But maybe it’s that I need to be a little more sympathetic.A� As a flight attendant, I can generally maneuver around Airport Trauma.A� Airport Trauma claims many casualties every year, mostly in the form of iPads, iPods, Laptops, books, suitcases, brains…It’s sad.

I forget things all ofA�the time.A� I leave things on planes a lot, I’m justA�lucky enough to be working on that same aircraft the next day.A� What I don’t understand, is why you think it’s a good idea to put your wallet in the seatback pocket and throw your iPad on the aircraft floor, and unrelated, but equally as baffling, why you think it’s a good idea to walk barefoot into the aircraft lav!A� Eww!A� WHERE IS YOUR BRAIN?!

Hopefully, you can find your stuff, and your brain at Lost and…Lost.A� Why is it called ‘Lost and Found when very little is probably recovered.A� Don’t you think the ‘Found’ part is a little misleading?A� (Apparently, somewhereA�in the south, or mid-west, there is anA�‘Lost and Found’ yard sale of all lost luggage and items fromA�the airline travel industry. (After looking it up, I think it’s a little sad capitalizing on others’ mis-fortune.A� The tagline is, “Like No Other Shopping In The World.” huh. That’s some little girl’s Talking Tammy doll).

When you travel, here are someA�tips so you can keep yourself and your things in one place, that’s with you.

  • Minimalism is theA�key.A� Pay to check yourA�suitcase,A�and just carry your purse, women, and your murse, you men. Less will keep you happier.
  • Don’t put wallets, iPads, cellphones, Nooks, Kindles, or anything that hasA�some valueA�in the seatback pocket.A� Put them in that purse, and that murse you brought with you.
  • Google how to travel with children.A� I had a couple traveling with 6 month old twins, and I was so impressed with their travel savviness.A� Mom said she goolged it.
  • Check around your seat, on the floor around your feet, and the seatback pocketA�when you arrive at the destination.

And a story to leave you with:

Working a turn, we had boarded all passengers, and we’re a few minutes from closing the doors and pushing back from the gate.A� Walking to the exit rows to brief my passengers, a young man said to me, “Hey, I was on this flight coming up here three days ago, and you by chance didn’t find a lid to this water bottle, did you?”A� I looked toward the seatback pocket, to where he was pointing, and noticed the open, plastic bottle nestled between inflight magazines.A� I smirked, giggled, and sarcastically replied, “Yeah! That wasA�yours?A� I’ve been carrying it with me every day since then hoping to find you.”

(Sigh) “Now.A� Do you realize you are seated in an exit row?”

Airport Trauma Has Claimed Another

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