Beep, Beeeep, BEEP, BEEEEEP!!!!

You roll over. 2:30 in the morning?  “Noooo,” you groan.  This must be some cruel joke that airlines like to play on their passengers, scheduling o’dark thirty departures.

By four, you are in line, waiting to check in.  Then waiting for security. Then waiting for boarding.  It’s the game of hurry up and wait.  And that was the very easy, breezy, beautiful departure.  But when does that ever happen?

No, this sounds more realistic:

The kids are screaming, you forgot your passport after you drove 10 miles down the road, and had to turn around to retrieve your meal ticket.  Cutting it close on time, you attempt to rush through security.  With kids, and bottles, and bags, and backpacks, and iPads, and…whew!  The choreographed chaos, oh it scares me! Avoid at all costs.

And then, I wonder why, when passengers board my flight, they are rude, unresponsive, bug-eyed and albino white, or immediately have to use the lav.  Really?! You know, by the way, the airport installs neat little private areas called ‘Restrooms’.  Maybe you’ve heard of them?

But maybe it’s that I need to be a little more sympathetic.  As a flight attendant, I can generally maneuver around Airport Trauma.  Airport Trauma claims many casualties every year, mostly in the form of iPads, iPods, Laptops, books, suitcases, brains…It’s sad.

I forget things all of the time.  I leave things on planes a lot, I’m just lucky enough to be working on that same aircraft the next day.  What I don’t understand, is why you think it’s a good idea to put your wallet in the seatback pocket and throw your iPad on the aircraft floor, and unrelated, but equally as baffling, why you think it’s a good idea to walk barefoot into the aircraft lav!  Eww!  WHERE IS YOUR BRAIN?!

Hopefully, you can find your stuff, and your brain at Lost and…Lost.  Why is it called ‘Lost and Found when very little is probably recovered.  Don’t you think the ‘Found’ part is a little misleading?  (Apparently, somewhere in the south, or mid-west, there is an ‘Lost and Found’ yard sale of all lost luggage and items from the airline travel industry. (After looking it up, I think it’s a little sad capitalizing on others’ mis-fortune.  The tagline is, “Like No Other Shopping In The World.” huh. That’s some little girl’s Talking Tammy doll).

When you travel, here are some tips so you can keep yourself and your things in one place, that’s with you.

  • Minimalism is the key.  Pay to check your suitcase, and just carry your purse, women, and your murse, you men. Less will keep you happier.
  • Don’t put wallets, iPads, cellphones, Nooks, Kindles, or anything that has some value in the seatback pocket.  Put them in that purse, and that murse you brought with you.
  • Google how to travel with children.  I had a couple traveling with 6 month old twins, and I was so impressed with their travel savviness.  Mom said she goolged it.
  • Check around your seat, on the floor around your feet, and the seatback pocket when you arrive at the destination.

And a story to leave you with:

Working a turn, we had boarded all passengers, and we’re a few minutes from closing the doors and pushing back from the gate.  Walking to the exit rows to brief my passengers, a young man said to me, “Hey, I was on this flight coming up here three days ago, and you by chance didn’t find a lid to this water bottle, did you?”  I looked toward the seatback pocket, to where he was pointing, and noticed the open, plastic bottle nestled between inflight magazines.  I smirked, giggled, and sarcastically replied, “Yeah! That was yours?  I’ve been carrying it with me every day since then hoping to find you.”

(Sigh) “Now.  Do you realize you are seated in an exit row?”

Airport Trauma Has Claimed Another

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *