Today, I caught myself smiling as I looked at Real Simple. A�The colorful magazine spread was telling me how I should decorate. A�Decorate a house. A�Yeah. A�True story. A�This girl, excited about nesting? A�HOLD THE PHONE!?!?!
So, before you think I’m ready to settle down, read along…
In three weeks, I’ll be undertaking my sixth move of the season (Dec 2012-Nov 2013), and this one was supposed to be ‘permanent.’ A�By permanency, I envisioned giving myself a year to live in the same place. A�Buy furniture. A�You know? A�Commitment. A�The problem is, that except for my momentary facial slip-up of a grin, the strongest emotions that I have been experiencing regarding this upcoming relocation have been mostly trepidation and fear.
Of course, no one enjoys the act of moving, but for someone like me, A�I should embrace this move, right? A�From a god zillion roommatesA�to none? A�That sounds like a good trade. A�An apartment? A�A closet? A�I get all of the shelves in the whole rental property? A�“Is that my towel?” will be a banished phrase. A�It’s the little things. A�Even if I had to share a closet it would be an improvement from my ‘Hostel Style’ Hawaii life. A�No more bunk beds or fighting with eleven other humans for fridge space. A�Sounds like a non-issue of whether to stay in Hawaii or to go.
Well, yeah…But, I’m scared! A�And, it’s a big hassle. A�Big. Hassle.
Three months ago, I decided moving from Hawaii to Florida was the best decision that I could make for myself and for my sanity. A�Sleep deprivation and exhaustion from constantly living out of a suitcase, but not actually travelingA�had brought me to a crossroads of either changing how I live in Hawaii or moving away. A�I chose away. A�I did this because I needed to, and need to ground myself. A�The girl that is always in the airA�wants to find a place to land…
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Or so I thought.
The last couple of days, as I perused Craigslist for adorable one bedrooms, in idyllic neighborhoods, my anxiety level rose. A�”So, then if I spend this much and then I won’t be able to travel that much…” A�”I think I really need a furnished room, because then if I leave soon, I won’t have to deal with moving or selling beds and couches and chairs.” A�I bounce between the apartment hunting obsessiveness to car looking frenzy, realizing that I don’t like the cheap cars, but I should just buy a cheap car, becauseA�I really want to buy a kite.” A�Gosh. It’s exhausting living in my brain for a minute, isn’t it?
What all of this nonsense really boils down to is that I am scared and overwhelmed. A�Scared to leave what I love in Hawaii. A�Scared to leave my friends. A�Scared, because I don’t want to move all of the way to Florida. A�All I want to do is move back ‘home’ to Los Angeles. A�That is comfortable. A�That is safe. A�That life feels normal. A�My original mindset of moving to Florida was to create a home and be settled. A�Right now, I am thinking of every possible way NOT to do that. A�I’ve sunk even below the no buying furniture, to the act of looking for shared apartments, which led me to none other than a ‘Crew House’ (although made for Ship Crews, it’s exactly what my life is now. Can we say, “What the hell am I thinking?!”). A�Oh, stop this insanity!
I’m caught somewhere between wanting settled and stable and craving freedom and spontaneity. A�I don’t want to be tied down to a place, not because I don’t think that I will like that place, but because of who I could meet in that place and how that could hold me to a location. A�As much as I dread goodbyes, leaving can be an easy out. A�I thought I was ready for less adventure, less travel, and I don’t know if that is truly the case. A�Maybe I am a hopeless case. A�The girl that is tormented between her desire for a relationship, children, and family, and her intense wanderlust. A�Which do I want more?
When I move to Ft. Lauderdale, I have big plans. A�I’m going to join a writing group. A�I’m going to find a church. A�I’m excited about living close to New York, Europe (cause to a flight attendant, Europe is close), and the Caribbean. A�I’m going to stay home. A�More. A�I’m going to travel. A�More. A�I’m going to make friends outside of work. A�I’m going to see if I can be a paid social media maven and a savvy and successful business woman. A�I still want to learn Spanish. A�Life will be “more normal.”
Hmmm…what have I been smoking? A�That doesn’t sound normal. A�When I look back at that paragraph, I have just set myself up with A LOT to do. A�I’m basically moving across the world, to live the same crazy life, with a few minor adjustments. A�Sounds veeerrrrry logical if you ask anyone that’s logical. A�RIIIIIGGGGHHT!!!! A�In my defense, it does sound exactly like me.
My friends suggest that I get a pet. A�”Oh no!” I say. A�Appalled. A�”I can’t get a pet! A�What would that mean? Like, I would have to stay around and who would take care of the creature when I was away?” A�So, you would have to stay around they suggest. A�But, I couldn’t just stay. A�That’s ludicrous! A�”Well…”, they pause, “Maybe get a goldfish???”
Baby steps…baby steps.