I sit around in my room for hours on end, drinking tea and listening to The Sleep Playlist on Spotify. A�I curl up with a book, the only interruption being the frequent whistles of a text messages from the girls, because even though we are in four time zones, we stay together. A�I wake up and make my coffee at home. A�I don’t go out to eat. A�I cook rice in the rice cooker. A�I talk to my roommate about goals, and dreams, and Haiti. A�I fall asleep at 630p. A�I eat tortillas again, and pack bananas, and apples in my lunch. A�The bus isn’t part of my vocabulary, and for some reason, problems and all, I adore my car, my Greta Rose. A�Boys simply seem like a distraction in my world now. A�I’m happier without. A�I feel like myself again. A�I like this life.
I like this life when I’m home, at my condo by the river. A�I don’t care to go to work, because it’s inconvenient being delayed all of the time, and getting back at 4 in the morning (Even with 6000 miles separating Hawaii and Florida, some things remain familiar). A�But I still go, because it’s the why to me living in Florida. A�It’s my way to pay for flight training, and apartment, and living, and travel. A�I’ve cut out getting my nails done, and I really want to buy a new lip gloss, but my adorable car may break down any second, and I have to have money for her health care plan (Obama didn’t offer much help or healing for her either).
Sometimes I feel lonely. A�Yesterday, walking through the terminal, the airplane parked at the gate next door was leaving for Los Angeles. A�I just wanted to find a seat, even if it was a middle. A�I want my family. A�I could have gone for a couple of days, but then there are these goals that I set, obligations that I’ve made, and I’ve inadvertently created permanency for myself. A�Maybe aspiration is my proverbial goldfish that will keep me grounded.
There are times that I like the lonely. A�In the quiet moments, I think about what story I should tell next, and how I’m going to pay for flight training, and study for the flight exam. A�I hate studying, but I love learning. A�I’m learning a lot right now, and that makes me happy. A�I then wonder if this is the direction I should take in my life. A�Then I remember that, right or wrong, I’ve bought a website, scheduled my medical, first flight lesson, and picked an exam date. A�That sounds like “all in” to me. A�And people tell me that I’m afraid of commitment…
No. A�I just refuse to commit to something that I don’t believe in, am willing to fight for, invest in, and can see a potential future with. A�And maybe, at this point I refer to my decision to become a pilot (which is a big deal), but it absolutely applies to relationships. A�I will commit to what I believe is worth risking for.
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I’m beginning to wonder if I like being a flight attendant because I like being a flight attendant, or if I like being a flight attendant because I like being a writer. A�I don’t know. A�And then, I can’t decide if I’m working on becoming a pilot because I want to be a writer, or because I am in love with flying. A�I can’t really see flying without stories, and stories without flying. A�Maybe a little like how Peanut Butter goes better with Jelly than alone.
And then I figure that I probably don’t need to decide all of that right now, because I know the agenda for tomorrow, and besides, it’s already two hours past 630p, which in my new committed world means goodnight.
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