When I write tired, my filter vanishes. A�That being said, those that know me, or don’t know me, please don’t worry, or pity me. A�I think that, as abnormal as my life may be, I’m talking normal fears, normal reactions, normal struggles. A�Every one struggles in life at certain points, I just happen to throw my flailing into the world for all to see. A�Enjoy.
The Americano Life
I started drinking Americanos, on ice.A� Partly because theA� bitter espresso, topped off with a splash of soy milk, is cheaper than its sibling, soy latte, and partly because my body needs an intense jolt of caffeine, at regular, or irregular intervals, throughout the day. A�And night.
I’m not sleeping, at least not enough, and coffee is my survival tactic.A� It’s no longer my leisurely morning treat, sitting at a cafe, nursing a cappuccino, as I tap out, on my laptop, the cons and faux pas of the flight attendant life.A� Caffeine is simply a necessity, a necessary evil, to combat the evils of flight delays, and living in a crashpad.
I don’t feel healthy.A� I feel worn out, and worn down.A� In some ways, many ways, flying has been a healthy life change for me.A� In many ways, it has been a healthy lifestyle killer.A� I’m normal in ways that I once wasn’t, but so abnormal in others.
Time zones have little meaning.A� My body doesn’t understand that certain hours of the day mean wake up, certain hours mean eat food, certain hours mean sleep.A� It just functions. Operates, craving a night without interrupted sleep. A�Craving a day where my main food groups aren’t Snack Pack A, B, or C.
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Wanted are sugar laced foods.A� I’ve gained 20lbs since I started this job five years ago, 10lbs that needed to be added, and now, a healthy 10lb buffer, what I like to call a hospital cushion, “in case of emergencies.” A�I still get comments that I’m little.A� I wish I was there to see me when I was ‘little’, because if that is the definition of me now, all I have to say is an eyes wide, “Wow,” with an Uh-Oh sort of inflection.
Today, I have the fat reserves that a woman is supposed to have; a healthful thin.A� It’s good, although I don’t see it as such.A� But I allow it, and, on the best days, I appreciate it.A� Considering the alternative, I’d rather enjoy the chocolate chip cookie, than be the thinest girl, falling apart because of seeing the chocolate chip cookie.A� I’m falling apart for other reasons.A� I would consider this progress.
The current state of sleep deprivation, is causing the falling apart, along with a dose of broken heart.A� Sleepless nights were familiar once, but not because of needing to stay bright-eyed during an unplanned red-eye (I’ve had too many of those recently).A� The dull ache of a tummy needing nourishment, and the quick beats of a palpitating heart, would wake me, comfort me, continually remind me that I wasn’t ok. Continually remind me that if I felt this way, I would not have to fear.A� I would stay skinny.
I felt crazy then.A� I hated the crazy.A� I remember wanting to just turn off, unplug, and return different.A� I didn’t know how I had lost my way, but I had. A�I didn’t know how to find my way back. A�I feel crazy now.A� I want to turn off, unplug, return better.A� Different.A� I’ve lost my way, maybe not to such an extreme, but enough that I scare myself.A� Today, I’m not ok.A� I’m tired.A� I’m fuzzy, and I need a hug.
There are many ways to be not ok. A�I told my Sybil yesterday, when she said, “Honey, I’ve never seen you like this before,” that, I feel like I should cry, because that is my usual go to, but I can’t even handle accomplishing that right now. A�I’m too tired to cry. A�Coffee, drugs, liquor, food, travel, or [fill in the blank] are always poor substitutes for the old fashion cure of rest.
Sybil wants me to be happy. A�I want that too. A�I think that I am. A�I feel that I am, or mostly so. A�I ask her if she doesn’t think that I am. A�”No. A�You are Kara. A�You are happy wherever you go. A�All you need to do right now is sleep.” A�So, I’m making no plans this week. A�Except sleep. A�Sleep for days.