How do I get to where I want to go?
The unknown is curious. Sometimes scary. And always, a journey in faith, whether you believe in faith or not. For me, the last three months have been filled with lessons, constant reminders that everything does work out. To be present in today, and to keep worries in perspective. Here are a few thoughts…it’s not about flying, it’s not about religion, it’s not about God. Well, maybe a little, but it’s more about life.
‘Do not worry about your life…’
After finally laying claim to an address, unpacking my bags, and spending only two nights at my new home, I’m told, unfortunately, that my three-month rental agreement, may have to be shortened to two. This, not the fault of my owner-roomie or myself, was unwelcome news.
I had been eagerly anticipating “settled.” Finding routine and stability. I had been looking forward to focusing on new hobbies, projects, studying Spanish, and enjoying Hawaii sans suitcase, all things that have, either suffered during this transition, or that I have neglected in some way. Now, almost before I move in, I will have to move out.
I always have a suitcase close…
‘Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns…’
Hearing the facts, and accepting them with a calm “ok,” had me panicking on the inside, and tearful on the outside, but only once I was far from new roomie’s earshot. I figured being emotional and dramatic only after day two of co-habitating was not the greatest impression.
I thought I had found a place where I fit. A place that fits me. I never wanted to live in Hawaii, so the contentment here surprised me. I was happy living by a California beach, but the forced moved is that surprise adventure, the one that I didn’t have to plan. I love being outside, the warm weather, and the beach. Kite boarding is to be my new favorite activity, I have so decided. I want to do island-esque activities.
All of this is great, but when asked, “Where are you from?” I don’t know how to answer. I know where my parents live. I know where my brother lives. I know where I used to live. I know my address says Honolulu, but I feel that none of it is mine. This leaves me; the girl that is everywhere and nowhere, all at the same time.
“Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”
The worries surface; “Where will I go now? What about my traveling? What does this mean financially? I wanted to learn to kitesurf…but I like my roommate…gosh, moving again???”
The wanderlust in my life puts a wedge between me and relationships. The anti-thesis of free spirited, independently happy me questions how I will ever be dateable if I am always in motion. Who wants to date someone that doesn’t even know what city, state, or country she will be in two months, or even next week for that matter? I wouldn’t even venture to deal with that, if I were anyone, and yet, I think it happens to be one of my most cutely endearing qualities. Warning label reads, ‘At your own risk…’
Somewhere. All I really want is to just be. I want to be able to say, “Yes… I am here. For awhile. I’ll be here tomorrow. You can trust that.” But what can I really trust about tomorrow?
Here I am…
‘Tomorrow will worry about itself…’
My dreams build and swirl, and they take me away. They make me see the benefits of the flux and fluidity and constant movement in my life. They make my eyes wander past the discomfort of the unknown and focus on the possibility. I can go anywhere. I can live in Los Angeles again for the summer, or maybe study in Argentina in the fall, or that “Biggest, Baddest Bucket List Competition?” That might have just been made for me. Nothing holds me.
Take me away
‘Do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’
The past two months have been solid lessons in trusting that life works. It plays its tune, at its tempo. The beginning of the song, doesn’t dictate that middle or the end. I have noticed how “taken care of” I am. I have joked about my homelessness, but I am SO far from the street, it’s almost embarrassing my misuse of the English language. I was worried about affording Hawaii, but schedules came out with a bazillion hours, I had random bonuses and tax returns…and there wasn’t anything that I needed to worry about in the end!
‘But seek first…and all these things will be given.’
Looking for some quietness. Searching for meaning. Craving balance, connectedness, and love. I wonder where, and when, and how I will see God. I do see him, but maybe not in the traditional sense, when sitting in a church pew and listening to a sermon. I’ve seen Him in ways that may only be noticable to me. I may not sing hymns, or spend an hour or more each week in a steepled building, but He doesn’t hold that against me, and instead hugs me goodnight with stunning sunsets, shares wisdom through interesting books, and comforts me by the shoulder of a friend, What ever address I move to, whatever plane I’m on, whatever country I land in, He talks. I say goodbyes all of the time, but I have yet to figure out how to get too far away from Him
Love in the sunset
‘Each day has enough trouble of its own.’
The prospect of moving so soon, has me wanting to focus on next month, on next year, on the unknown future. On things and situations that are out of my control. I pull myself back to rationality. I have to tell myself, “Kara, look where you are today. Notice. Today. Be Here. Today. You have a home. Today. You have food. Today. You have a job. Today.
You have what you need for today, and today is all you need right now.