I swear flight attendants must think I’m crazy. I wouldn’t be surprised if the lead FA working the flight from Cancun to Ft Lauderdale this morning questioned why the only passenger in the very first row— a sunburned and tangled haired bleach blonde girl— was crying, and crying so much.
Yeah. It was me crying so much.
The tears began their torrent between pushback and take off, and although silent, the salty liquid slid continuously down my sun reddened cheeks; fueled partly by a book challenging one to rise strong, partly by this place I was leaving, partly by a person I don’t think I will see again, and partly by the song I set to play on repeat.
Jumpin’ off the porch like mom’s not home
Tell me why the best things feel so wrong
Love ’em how they take so long
Run with the feeling of being alive
…curiosity takes courage and some of the bravest among us are the most brokenhearted.
I want to travel.
I want to be free.
I don’t know what you are expecting,
but I have a someone somewhere else
I don’t want a girlfriend.
To be honest, I don’t know what I was expecting.
I didn’t expect this—my life the way it is. The trips to Europe, Mexico, Hawaii, Philippines. I didn’t expect to watch sunsets on so many continents, meet an array of amazing people, and become such good friends with my colleagues. I didn’t expect to be single at 30, still flying, and breaking further away from my very conservative Christian upbringing. I didn’t expect to feel so lost and so alive all at once. I didn’t expect that my second trip to Isla Blanca within three weeks to be both magical and mysterious.
In life, sometimes you have curiosities; paths you want to pursue, certain people you might like to get to know better, places you hope to live. Sometimes in life, what “makes sense” blocks you from exploring what intrigues you. It didn’t make sense for me to go to Mexico again. It doesn’t make sense for me to want to pursue the career path I would like to pursue. It doesn’t make sense to rent a room in California that I’m never at, but these things are just me things. And, I have to be me. I’m drawn by what I can’t exactly explain, and maybe, that’s enough. I was so incredibly far out of my comfort zone by going to Mexico this time, but I was too curious not to go. I had to just go. Just try. Just see what would happen.
And what happened?
Well, you could see it from the perspective that I left—disappointed and distraught—crying while looking out an airplane window. Or, you view it in the way that I see it:
“How wonderful that I had the courage to take the opportunity to explore what could be, kite that flat water, and learn more about myself and people. How wonderful that I had this experience, those moments, and that time.”
How wonderful…I like this type of thinking.
I’m constantly asked if The Flight Attendant Life is worth it in comparison to the loneliness, jet lag, and various challenges that come along with the job. And, here’s the only answer I have for you:
I can’t answer that.
But you can. You are curious and interested in whatever it is you are interested in for a reason. I can’t tell you if your choices will workout or if they won’t, but what I can tell you is what I have learned. I took a chance with my current employer. I took a chance with this blog. I took a chance with this guy; and NONE of it has turned out how I expected or even how I wanted. “That doesn’t sound good,” you say. Oh!!! But my darlings, I’m so happy, because I don’t have to wonder,
“What could have happened.”
How do you want to live your life?
Pursue you fascinations; they will challenge and may just change your life.