I thought I understood that travel, the flight attendant life, and my life in a bag to be a slow killer of relationships.A�A�I thought that I knew that goodbyes hurt and missing doesn’t become less painful with more exposure.A�A�I thought that I determined I was not going to deal with distance in dating.
Apparently, I think too much.
They say that one finds love when not looking. A�How about when not even slightly interested? A�I’m too busy, and too ambitious, and too much of a flight attendant to be in love right now. A�Apparently love doesn’t care much about convenience or expectations or should bes,A�for I have fallen. A�I keep thinking that I don’t have time for this, andA�doubt that love conquers all, because that ocean separating, it’s still just as deep. A�Those kilometers remain just as many. A�The mile measurement that I understand is still more than thousands.
Tears stream down my face, falteringly captured by FaceTime, a wonderful invention, but a constant reminder that distance is never conquered through technology. A�And in the moment I am angry. A�And thankful. A�And vulnerable. A�And hating.
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I am angry because he is right there- but not.
I am thankful that it’s possible technology connects us, but furious for how it fails.
I am vulnerable because he sees the side that is not always optimistic, not always beautiful, and not always perfect. A�I guess love may not have the power to conquer distance, but it always allows for truth.
I am a flight attendant so, for one, most of my relationships contain an element of far away, and for two, I am a flight attendant, so distance is irrelevant, correct? How misconstrued these beliefs are. A�My life isn’t anywhere, which makes having a relationship somewhere more than a challenge. A�I hate Florida, feel at home in California, and tell someone that lives in Europe,A�‘SavnerA�deg.’ A�I have been in 4 countries, 3 states, and 5 time zones within two weeks. A�How does one love with that life?
I know people do it all of the time. A�My situation is not unique or special. A�I always thought I wanted to date foreign. A�I assumed that you make it work. A�I also saw it as an excuse to spend time in other countries. A�It sounds wonderful, and exotic, and the best way to live. A�But the sound, never included the knowledge that it would feel like this- like it does.
It’s pathetic for the strong, independent, entrepreneurial woman to feel so helpless, knowing that there is nothing to be done to change the situation. A�He tells me for as much as I cry, I really should invest in waterproof mascara. A�He unselfishly always thinks about me first, and how he can make me be happy, or happier. A�I’ve never been so adored, and appreciated. A�I feel lucky to have met, but also, in a way unlucky to have fallen. A�He can’t simply hop on a plane in the morning, and show up in the evening. A�I can’t do that either. A�Our responsibilities and commitments make commitment impossible…well, I know it’s not impossible, but it is difficult. A�And it’s a difficulty that I don’t know I want to face. A�I don’t know which decision to make; A�is the love worth the pain, or is it better to let go now?
And then I know that I can’t say goodbye, not yet. A�Not just because of an ocean, and maybe that’s how people handle distance. A�They handle it because there really isn’t another choice.
It’s not just me that feels the hurt. A�He does too. A�We keep ourselves busy, and in the busy it doesn’t bother so much. A�I had considered myself a veteran to the ache of oceans away, and time zone challenges, not immune by any stretch, but familiar, so familiar. But with him, I have discovered a new level of familiarity, a new understanding. A�I think back to last year in Hawaii when the best friend dated her California boyfriend, and how not so understanding this girl, me, was in the process (Sorry Emily). A�I had no idea how she felt, and I see now that I could have been more sensitive.
I don’t know how to conclude this. A�I just told everyone a lot of everything. A�I wonder if it’s fair for his sake, or for mine, to tell you about this part of my life. A�But then I think that this is what I do. A�I almost gave up this blog for someone once. A�Never again. A�And, maybe, of course, someone, somewhere has felt the missing- the unavoidable inconvenience of falling in love.
(this is only a photo. A�The person has no part in this post)