Right now, I’m on another airplane. A�It’s always one airport to the next. A�I don’t necessarily mind, as I’m truly beginning to embrace that it is simply a fact that I don’t sit still well. A�I moved to Ft. Laudy Daudy to make myself stay, but have done little of that, spending more time in Los Angeles, and everywhere else, than the East Coast. A�Friends have inquired as how I like Florida. A�I don’t know what to say, as it’s good for some reasons, and bad for others. A�I don’t think that I would have finished my book proposal (I’m writing a book now) if I didn’t move, and know for a fact, that I wouldn’t have started flight training. A�But, I miss my besties, and can’t shake how California has a hold of my heart. A�And somewhere, within me, the constant movement still creates a dull ache of missing, an aura of loneliness.
In an act of vulnerability, I’ll admit, I would like to call someone my boyfriend. A�I would like to be able to tell someone that I’m not leaving tomorrow. A�That I know my schedule for the next week. A�I would like to say that becoming a pilot was definitely meant for me, and that my flight training is all that I care about, but I can’t. A�I just can’t. A�That simply isn’t my life right now, and as much as it would be nice to have a little more predictability, I really am mesmerized by the adventure of it all.
I feel that I am simultaneously succeeding wildly, and failing quickly. A�I don’t know if I can handle the pressure to beA�The Flight Attendant Life,A�becomeA�A Pilot Life, and simply be me. A�I got a job this week that had me covering many miles, landing in a variety of airports, meeting new people, and requiring that I “be pretty.” A�That’s the way Hollywood is apparently…
I’m not accustomed to someone else considering that I need water, or a ride to the airport. A�I’ve learned to pack my own lunch, and carry my own bags. A�It’s foreign, but nice, to be offered a job, where travel is involved, but someone else is required to pick up the tab for food, hotels, and make sure that I am happy.
But I am happy. A�No one else can make me that. A�It’s what I choose. A�I think in all reality, I am too busy, and feel too blessed to even consider unhappiness. A�So many opportunities have been thrown into my lap recently. A�I have been encouraged by friends, strangers, and coworkers, that I will be outstanding, and that my work (writing, and otherwise) is appreciated. A�Others believe in me more than I believe in myself. A�I find this incredible, valuable, and critical in motivating me to continue to do what I fear, to take risks, and to live an insanely adventurous life.
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Swimming with whales. A�Kailua, Oahu, Hawaii
I’ve never realized how much looking a certain way will guarantee employment, as I never had been told directly, up until this week, that it was a photo that landed me a job. A�In one more moment of vulnerability, I will admit that I have more often identified with ‘not pretty enough,’ and struggle with my image. A�If three years ago, I had been told that my looks were of such critical importance, it probably would have pressured me into unhealthy tendencies. A�It would have broken me, and I would have yielded to the voice that says that I need to be perfect to be loved.
I think that more than the need to be perfect to be loved, I need to be permanent. A�Both I see as impossible. A�No one will ever completely understand how much goodbyes rock me. A�How they hurt. A�How I am insecure, and afraid, because I think a man only likes me because I am a flight attendant- an opportune hook-up, a cute face to kiss. A�I don’t know how much longer I can handle this lifestyle, and yet, I know how I am so happy living in it, and wonder if I can ever give it up.
Happy in Wanderlust. A�Traveling from New York to Turks & Caicos.A�
I would like to spend time with that guy that I clicked with in Los Angeles. A�I want to hangout with that girl that I met in Ft. Lauderdale, and meet the corporate pilot that I have been talking to on the phone the last few weeks. A�But, I don’t know where to find the time for more, when there is literally too much, a stark contrast to a life of five years ago when I had no bubbles, no boys, and no employment.
I’m not complaining over my life. A�It really is incredible. A�I am thankful. A�I am simply saying that I am human.
I am human.