January 5th. I’m five days late with a newsletter that was due and supposed to be published. I have some freelance proposal that is due tonight. I missed blogging on Friday because I thought it was Thursday. I have schedules to make for the editors, bags to pack and unpack, meetings, planning for trips, errands, queries to send to literary agents, iMovies to edit, and content marketing to create. And, I leave again tonight on an 8 day trip. Will I get it all done? Nope. No, I won’t. But, I will at least make my flight.
I find myself distractedly thumbing through Instagram and texting instead of writing to meet the pressing deadlines. I don’t want to do anything. Most people start out the New Year uber-motivated with how they will be better, do better, and make their lives better. Me- well yes, I have those great aspirations, but 2015, I’m not ready for you. I was definitely ready for 2014 to be done, but where is the pause button on this thing called life?
I had it the other night at The Crashpad. My car was broken, which makes me feel even more trapped than I already do in Florida. And crashpads, no matter how nice, simply suck. The comments that streamed through my Facebook feed when I stated how over crashpads and broken cars I am included the statement from one, “Come back to LA already!”
Well, yeah. But then what?
Often in our lives, we say we want to make changes when we are sick of our jobs, sick of our relationships, and sick of our current realities. We say, but then we stay. We don’t do anything. It’s not that we didn’t mean our words, but the human psychology of it is this: The pain of a given situation, or experience has to trump the good of said experience to motivate different choices. Nothing ever is all good, or all bad, and when something is given up, the benefits are also relinquished. That’s one of the reasons we say and we stay, and one of the reasons why change is hard for us.
To make this make better sense, I will use myself as an example:
I say I hate Florida and that I am moving to LA. I say that I am tired of being away all of the time, and I miss my flight benefits. I am d0ne with The Crashpad. And yet, have I quit my job, moved into a normal place, or stopped traveling in my freetime? Nope. No, I haven’t.
Because, the joy still trumps the discomfort for me. And I feel it’s not time yet. I want to press pause instead of play for a minute, tell 2015 to wait up, I’m falling behind, but I’m not ready for something different. To try something drastically different. Not ready to let go cause I’m happy. And overwhelmed. And intrigued. And excited about this life. Remember not anything is ever all good or all bad.
And letting go right now is scary….
I’m not ready. I’m not ready, and that’s ok. But maybe you are. Maybe you are ready to do that which you said you always would and have always wanted to do. You know the answer. You always eventually know the answers.