I’ve lost sleep over this. I’ve woke up thinking about what’s going to happen. On edge, waiting over a month to see if I would be the one to blog all over the world, completing a “Bucket List,” that I, with the help of professionals, would design, with the added bonus of someone else picking up the tab. When a co-worker mentioned the contest, and encouraged me to apply by submitting a video and short blog, I began to think that maybe, this was what The Flight Attendant Life has been preparing me for; a professional, travel blogging gig. Maybe this was what I was meant for.
This was my video submission
I wanted to be picked, the chosen one, and this morning, at 2:47 HST (because I couldn’t sleep over this, AGAIN), I found that I wasn’t. I wasn’t the one that they wanted.
This past week, I’ve been telling my friends how on edge I have been over waiting. I just wanted to have the answer so I could either cry over losing, or celebrate the win. Apparently, in the middle of the night, I am fairly passive, feeling only tired indifference. That and fear.
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Fear, because, now I’m the one that will have to take my dreams and make them happen. I honestly feel, that I am already, on a daily basis, living my bucket list. I don’t need a company or a contest to make what I want happen in my life, but I wanted that win. Who wouldn’t? For me, it would have meant that I would be doing what I do now, blog and travel to cool places, but someone else would do the planning and paying for me. There was a safeness in the lack of decision making.
I blog and travel to cool places:)
And now, all of those things that I have been thinking of tackling; the goals with my blog, the desire to learn another language, the new places that I want to see, must be accomplished by my hard work and my money, and I just don’t know if I am capable and smart enough to handle it all. Am I strong enough to realize my bucket list when all it seems like I’ve been doing recently is moving every month, going on too many first dates (which are fun, but exhausting), and flying so much, but never actually traveling anywhere? My life is full of so much new all the time, how can I be focused enough to accomplish my dreams?
And where are those dreams pulling me anyway? Those dreams pull me away and simultaneously connect me; connect to likeminded individuals who hold on to wanderlust more than anything else, but separate me from a relationship. The Runaway in me just wants to know that someone can run along with me; through the changes, the unknown, disappointments and triumphs. The more months that pass in my life add maturity and a sinking realization that maybe this lifestyle that I have and am creating, creates unsustainability in certain aspects of my life, which makes me feel, once again, that I wasn’t chosen. By someone.
Away and Alone
But throughout these disappointments and changes, my friends, once again, have brought me to tears with their loyalty, support, and love. The women in my life have been solid and unwavering in their encouragement and celebration of my dreams, which is crucial for anyone in actualizing the “impossible.” I don’t know why this time, what I thought I wanted didn’t happen the way that I wanted to, but trust that I’ll get to where I was meant to be, who was meant to be with me will be there, and I know that through this slight disappointment, I still have a smile on my face and laughter in my soul.
I am absolutely thankful for another day of adventures and looking forward to the surprises of life. Thank you to all of you that voted, supported, and encouraged me with The Biggest Baddest Bucket List, and thank you so much for reading my blogs:)